


Jail Birds

by Zombie2315



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: And a bit of language, F/M, Flirting, Follows the comics, Hanging, Jail, Just like my other TF2 fics, Pauling to the rescue, Rated for slight violence, relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 20:56:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11859513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zombie2315/pseuds/Zombie2315
Summary: (Y/N) and Spy were scheduled to be on a jet that day, but pulling at the older man's heartstrings -and probably nerves- Scout convinced them to give him a hand. Unfortunately, giving him a hand is exactly what lands them in Teufort jail.(Follows the TF2 comics, just like my other fics because I'm unoriginal and maybe a tad obsessed with said comics. TF2 belongs to Valve, I just inserted the reader in there for reading pleasure.)





	Jail Birds

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for what might look like a few spelling errors here and there, I mixed some British and American spellings around and used whichever looked right, because I still confuse some words every now and then. Hopefully, it shouldn't be an issue though.

I paced back and forth in the small room, reaching either the bed or opposite wall before turning around and walking towards one of the two. This process had been repeated for who-knows-how-long and since I woke up, back sore from the stiff mattress provided by the bastards who arrested us.

 

“’Dear your honor’… No, that don’t sound right. ‘Your honor, if it please the court’… Yeah, that’s better. That is _nice_.”

 

Looking through the plexiglass door, I see the three men in the cell opposite, though instead of a door, the whole wall was a plexiglass barrier. Something about ‘a lady needing her privacy’ or whatever the overly excited mayor meant.

 

“’If it please the court, in the case of The People of Teufort Versus Scout, the defence pleads’… No, ‘pleading’ is what a guilty guy’d do. Oh! Wait a minute, I got it…”

 

Through the two sheets of glass and metal bars, I watched the tall and slender man, clad in an orange jumpsuit and red mask, sit in the middle of the room at a small and circular table. One by one, he pulled out a couple of teeth that opened up to be tiny, hollow compartments.

 

“’The defence _refuses_ to enter a plea, and _instead switches sides and is now the prosecution_ … _because I am putting the system on trial_!’… Oo, that’s bad. Okay, short pause while everybody’s gasping, _then_ …”

 

“Scout, take the public defender,” Spy finally interrupts the boy, carving away at his miniature poultry with miniature silverware.

 

The blonde made a mocking sound of disapproval, “Yeah, right. I’ve been in enough trails to know how _that_ goes,” his eyes never left the open book in his hands, eyes scanning over the pages, “One time they gave us _Soldier_ for a public defender. That other time all we got was a _lamp_. Why don’t you stop pullin’ tiny turkeys outta your teeth and help me out here?”

 

“It’s a miniature-farm raised Cornish game hen, and nothing you’re doing is going to help. They’re going to _hang_ you,” his passive attitude towards his companion caused a small grin to spread across my lips, ignoring the way the third man in the cell kept eyeing Spy. Said man made a barely audible grunt as he cracked his knuckles and started to approach him.

 

“Yeah, I got news for ya, pal. Unless there’s a pardon from the governor stuffed in one of them molars, they’re gonna hang _you_ too. Also, they’re _giving_ us a last meal. Anything we want, from an actual restaurant that isn’t your mouth.”

 

I gently shook my head as they bickered, the large bald man still approaching Spy from behind. He’s smart, so I had no doubt that he was aware of the man. ‘ _Scout on the other hand…_ ’

 

“Scout, every meal they’ve served us has been brined in a marinade of anti-psychotics and muscle relaxants. I’d like to have a clear head and a full stomach, because _believe_ me, tomorrow is going to be an eventful day.”

 

“Darling,” I started, leaning my head against the glass next to a fist-sized hole, “You could eat the chicken, plate and table cloth and you still wouldn’t have a _full stomach_ ,” his eyes were closed, but the curve of his mouth told me that he found my remark somewhat amusing as he lifted the tiny fork to his lips.

 

“Yeah? What’s your big plan? Tell everybody to turn around at once and then stab ‘em all in the back?” Scout quipped, ignoring my words and still not noticing the burly man who raised a sharpened toothbrush behind Spy’s back.

 

Within the blink of an eye, Spy grabbed the man’s arm and pinned him to the table, driving his own weapon between his shoulder blades. He proceeded to dab his mouth with a tiny napkin, “Why don’t you let _me_ worry about me.”

 

Turning his head, Scout gawped at the dead body and his partner, “Aw, for… Did you just kill Joey Murders? Spy, they told us not to _do_ that! I’m tryin’ to get us out of trouble, and you just keep getting’ us deeper in!” Standing from his place on one of the beds, he marched over to Spy, “In fact, why am I over here doin’ all the work while you sit there and eat? Maybe _I_ want a tiny gourmet meal before we die!”

 

“Look in that bottomless drivel-hole you call a mouth, you could fit a Christmas turkey in there,” the older man held up his arms to stop the younger one from reaching towards his mouth.

 

“That does it. I am gonna pull a steak dinner outta your head,” from the corner of my eye, I watched as the mayor made his way towards the fumbling idiots’ cell, what looked like a homemade pie in hand. He offered me a cheery smile and wave before catching the attention of the men.

 

“Knock knock! Can I interrupt?” both men turned towards the voice, Scout in the process of pulling open Spy’s mouth, while the latter had his hand raised to hit the former, “I’m kidding, of course I can, I’m the mayor! Mayors can do anything! Look, I baked you guys a pie!”

 

Scout didn’t even think twice before racing towards the open slot in the glass wall and shoving his hands into the pastry. The mayor continued, “Oh, you’re reading the law books I got you! Hey, I appreciate you guys putting in the homework like this. It is gonna be a _heck_ of a trial!”

 

I rolled my eyes at his optimistic attitude, ‘ _Must be easy, not giving a damn_.’ “Ow, what the…?” Scout’s voice pulled my attention away from the mayor for a brief moment as he removed a metal file from his mouth.

 

“Uh oh!” he laughed, “Just a little jail humor to keep your spirits up. No bars here, obviously. That’s six-inch-thick plexiglass! You file your little hearts out!”

 

Spy seemed bored of the situation as he made his way to the back of the cell, raising his mask upwards and just past his nose before he used a tiny razor to shave away his overgrown beard. A part of me felt excited at that fact, I’d always preferred his stubble over any other style. ‘ _Too bad I’ll never get to see it again_.’

 

The mayor then pulled out a large sheet of paper to show the men, explaining the different sections that revolved around them and how he only had stickers left over from his wife’s pregnancy.

 

“I’d better be on there somewhere, I’m starting to feel a little lonely,” I called from my cell, a fake pout on my face.

 

“Why of course!” he turned around to point at the top right-hand corner, “There you are, being restrained by an officer right after you almost choked another to death! And of course, you’re mentioned in the news article!” he exclaimed gleefully. Spy lightly smirked as he pulled down his mask, probably remembering the day we were arrested and how I refused to go down without at least injuring somebody.

 

He quickly goes back to his passive demeanour and looks at the mayor, “Mister Mayor…”

 

“Hey, how many times I gotta tell you? ‘Mister Mayor’ is the mayor of Florida! Call me Mike!”

 

“Mike… I’m going to kill you and anyone else who participates this preposterous show trial.”

 

“Me too!” Scout jumps in.

 

“Yes, I may kill Scout in the confusion as well.”

 

Mayor Mike shakes his head, a hearty chuckle erupting from him, “’ _Show trial_ ’… Well, gosh, thank you for saying that. We’re certainly trying our best to make it one heck of a show. Man, I am really gonna miss you three,” he either doesn’t notice Scout’s nervous mood or simply ignores it, looking at each of us, “Anyway, important mayor stuff to do, get your sleep, guys! Big day tomorrow!”

 

Finally, the idiot of a mayor leaves. I place a thumb and forefinger to the space between my eyes and pinch, squeezing my eyes shut to alleviate myself of the impending headache.

 

“You look tired, mon chéri,” the voice of my long-term lover called out to me. I dropped my hand and chose to focus my attention on him, eyes half-shut but open enough to observe how he leaned against the glass. He propped himself against it with one arm raised above his head and that casual smirk of his was directed straight at me.

 

“I’ve been too far away from you for too long, it’s starting to affect my energy,” my tone was suggestive, but I’m positive he could hear the genuine longing in my words.

 

“I agree, mon amour. Though, usually when you and I are together, you end up with no energy left anyway.”

 

“Will you two please not do that here!” Scout screamed, disgust highly audible in his tone.

 

 

As usual, waking in the morning wasn’t a pleasant affair, my back aching more than days previous and the rattling of cuffs not being the most pleasant sound in the world. Looking towards the doorway of my cell, three large men in uniform stood on guard; they were taking precautions in case I pulled anything tricky. The one stood in the middle stepped further into my cell and pulled a pair of handcuffs from his belt, “C’mon, girl. The court’s waiting.”

 

After being cuffed without complaint, they led me out of the cell and down the hallway. I’d taken a quick glance into the cell across where the boys had been held, but it was empty. _Makes sense, they wouldn’t be able to handle all three at once_. I smirked at the idea. My smirk faded, however, as we reached the courtroom and I was lead to the table in front of the judge, seated about three feet away from Spy while Scout was sat at the parallel table.

 

“Guilty! I pronounce this trial _over_ and the three of you _guilty_!”

 

“Your honor, the defence requests that we have the trial first,” the councillor stated, looking a little put out by the mayor’s enthusiastic -and premature- announcement.

 

“Good catch, councillor. I got excited there and I apologize. Court stenographer, please stenography that we’re starting the trial now,” I resisted the urge to slam my head against the table, opting instead to pinch the bridge of my nose.

 

“There _isn’t_ a stenographer, your honor. Or a bailiff. Or a prosecutor, or _any_ of the personnel required to have a legal trial in this state, or any known democracy for that m-“

 

“You are on _fire_ today, councillor! Accused, you’re lucky to have this guy!”

 

I released a sarcastic “Yay” as one of the officers escorted me to the stand. Thankfully, the cuffs around my wrists were removed and I relaxed in my seat.

 

“So, Miss (Y/N) (L/N), you are being trialled today for multiple charges. How do you plead?” Mayor Mike asks, eyes twinkling with joy. _This guy is unbelievably stupid_.

 

“Your honor, perhaps we should start with a few questions,” the councillor suggested, yet again.

 

Nodding in approval, he turns back to me, “Yes, of course! Miss (L/N), what is your relationship with these men?” waving his hands towards Scout and Spy.

 

“Well, I’ve known them both for a couple years now. Scout’s like an annoying older brother,” said male looked proud of himself at that, crossing his arms and smirking broadly, “And Spy, well, you could say we’re romantically involved,” I smiled near the end of my statement, taking a quick glance at the man in the mask before returning my sight to Judge Mike.

 

Seeing no further use in questioning me, I was replaced with Scout on the stand. _This is one-hundred-percent the worst court trial ever, how is this town still standing?_ Withholding a chuckle, I reseated myself near Spy.

 

“I thought it was against the law to lie on the stand,” he stated smugly with a low voice.

 

“I didn’t lie. Perhaps just withholding information. I didn’t find it appropriate to list off all of our _activities_ to a courtroom of the elderly and faint-hearted,” I whispered back, shooting him a wink before turning back to the stand.

 

Scout wasn’t even trying to word his statement well – if you could even call it a statement. Rattling off the story of the time he got a lamp for a lawyer, then another time when he had Soldier, ignoring the judge when he was reminded that he was still under oath. _Doesn’t he know that they can still charge him for past crimes?_ Few people were inclined to believe his ramblings, even the overly-enthusiastic judge finding it to be nonsense, but of course, it wouldn’t be Teufort without something else going sideways.

 

Spy had been sneakily retrieving his miniature butterfly knife from his left sleeve, preparing himself out of the corner of my eye so that he could save us any more trouble and get us out of this. That is until Soldier stormed in, knocking Spy’s right arm and sending the blade flying.

 

“OBJECTION! You scrawny Judas! Judge, I am this man’s lawyer, and I demand you give him the chair!” I sank lower into my seat at Soldier’s yelling. _Like hell we’re getting outta this now_.

 

“Beat it, Soldier! I got a _real_ lawyer this time!”

 

“Oh yeah? Well, _I’m_ calling a surprise witness! _My hands_! And they will prove _beyond a reasonable doubt_ that your lawyer’s neck is _guilty_! Of being broken! Huttah!” following his own instructions, Soldier’s hands clamped down around the councillor’s neck and very quickly jerked it to the side, effectively snapping it.

 

Demo ran to the front of the room and gripped the back of Soldier’s shirt, trying to prevent him from choking Scout further.

 

“ _Tell them I am your lawyer_! _Say it_ , maggot!”

 

“I… want… the… lamp…” he wheezed.

 

Guards raced through the room to detain the newcomers, a few standing watch on me and Spy to ensure that we didn’t bolt during the confusion. As the court settled and the five of us were lined up in front of the judge, a guard placed a small TV on the stand and I reminisced the events taken place before those of the tape being shown.

 

 

**Five and a half months ago**

 

“Whoa, Spy, (Y/N), hold up! Where you _goin’_?” Scout called after us as we packed our things into the back of the car.

 

“Away, Scout. With Gray Mann in charge and the voice missing, it would be wise for _all_ of us to lay low for a while,” Spy replied, walking around the car to place a briefcase in before I closed the door.

 

Waving his fingers around due to his arms being in casts, Scout joined us near the car, “Spy, you don’t understand! My savings -like, all my savings- are at the bank in Teufort! You gotta drive me there! And carry everything to your car! Also, I’m putting this up front: At some point, I will have to go to the bathroom and I highly doubt (Y/N) will help me.”

 

“Scout,” I breathed, shaking my head with a disbelieving look on my face.

 

“Next time get a Swiss bank account,” my partner huffed, “Goodbye, Scout. It’s been horrible.”

 

I felt a little bad for the guy as Spy and I climbed into the two-seater car, hearing him mumble “Aw crap” a couple times before he spoke a bit louder, “When my mom finds out I lost our savings it’s gonna kill her.”

 

The second he finished I could see the frustrated look on Spy’s face, torn between wanting to leave immediately and help his unknowing son. He’d told me quite some time ago that Scout was his son and pretty much everyone but the boy knew. I promised him that knowing all of this didn’t change how I felt about him, that I still saw him as the sexy and suave Frenchman he was. I never mention that I could see through it, though. He cared about Scout but refused to show it, and once, he cared a lot about his mother. But they’d parted ways a long time ago, concluding that they had different interests and with financial support from Spy, she could raise their son alone.

 

But just because Scout got on his nerves, it didn’t mean he held anything against his ex. So as soon as Scout mentioned his mother, I knew Spy would offer a bit of help.

 

“We have a jet leaving in fifty minutes. You’ve got twenty. Get in the car.”

 

The drive there wasn’t too long, but it didn’t make my discomfort any less bothersome. Due to his arm casts, Scout insisted that he needed to sit in the front passenger seat – the only passenger seat. Spy and myself agreed that sitting on Scout’s lap wasn’t an option, no matter how many times he offered, so I was stuck in the space behind the two front seats that wasn’t meant to harbour a person.

 

As soon as we pulled up outside the bank, Spy climbed out and offered me a hand to steady myself as I awkwardly crawled out. Releasing his hand, I stepped away from the car and shut the door before feeling that same hand press to the base of my back, leading me towards the building.

 

“Don’t worry, mon chéri. Before you know it, we will be on that jet and far away from here,” my lover whispered in a low voice as Scout spoke to the elderly woman who led us to the vault, sprouting some strange story about how he broke both his arms.

 

“You still haven’t told me where we’re going you know.”

 

Chuckling, he pressed a short kiss behind my ear, “Then it wouldn’t be a surprise.”

 

“Just open the door, lady,” Scout must have reached a point in his conversation with the woman that he wasn’t favouring, choosing to get to the point of why we were here in the first place.

 

I smiled to the woman as she left the vault, Spy’s voice catching my attention, “I admit it… I’m impressed, Scout. At least you’ve been _saving_ your money. Let’s grab the largest denominations. We can launder it at-“ his previous statement about being impressed didn’t last long, “ _Where is the money_?”

 

“You’re lookin’ at it!” peeking inside the locker, all contents were just Tom Jones figures, posters, boxes and T-shirts, “I invested every last dime on twelve cubic yards of Tom Jones memorabilia! This stuff is gonna be worth a _fortune_ when he dies!”

 

Spy released an agitated grunt, “He’s not _going_ to die, you imbecile! He’s in his twenties! He’s the most virile man on the planet! He has no enemies! The man is virtually immortal!”

 

“I’m playin’ the _long_ game, Spy. It’s a get-rich-slow scheme.”

 

“Jesus Christ, Scout,” I groaned, “You know that Tom Jones is absolutely going to outlive you, right?”

 

Shaking his head, Spy reached into the locker and picked up a few items, “I am grabbing the three smallest, lightest pieces of this garbage, and we are _leaving_.”

 

“ _Freeze_! We got ‘em, sir!”

 

“For fucks sake…” I mumbled, seeing a few police officers in the entrance to the vault, some looking hesitant.

 

“Ooo, I dunno, fellas. You step in that vault, that tall one in the ski mask is gonna kill you pretty instantly. Probably the lady too,” the man I guessed to be the chief stated, “I got a better idea.”

 

 

**Present day**

 

“ _NO!_ ” the greyscale images on screen showed Spy and me racing towards the vault door, banging on the surface as the police sealed it shut.

 

“ _Open this god damn door, you idiots!_ ” Spy chuckled as my voice crackled through the TV’s speaker, causing me to smile lightly. _I’m gonna miss that laugh_ …

 

Switching off the tape, Judge Mike spoke, “Well, looks open and shut to me. Shoot, we’ve been at this for half a darn hour already. Any closing remarks from the defence?”

 

I rolled my eyes as he watched the dead councillor for five seconds before addressing the court again, “Okay, good, because guys, I want to be honest. I’ve been hearing some nasty stuff. About _you_. The people of Teufort.”

 

“ _What_?” “ _How dare they_!” “ _What have they been saying_?”

 

“Well… I heard…”

 

“ _What did you hear_?!” “ _Tell us_!”

 

“I heard people in Teufort didn’t _like_ hangings!” _Wow, this really is a ‘show trial’, isn’t it_.

 

“ _No_!” “ _Who said that_?” “ _We’ll hang them_!”

 

And with that, we were led out of the courtroom and to the front of the courthouse, one by one, placed upon the wooden stand, noose around our necks and hands bound behind our backs.

 

“ _They_ said it- While they were _wrecking our town_!” the judge cheered. All sorts of garbage came flying at all of us, Soldier and Spy being unlucky enough to get pelted by a tomato each.

 

Mike kept egging the crowd on, now addressing individuals with problems they’d faced, but something wasn’t right. The problems that were being listed weren’t caused by us -the _mercenaries_ \- they were all issues that only a town council or _mayor_ could cause. Talk of retirement homes being registered as federal paedophile sanctuaries, the city dump being moved to the town square, children being taught in a casino that was petitioned to be built – all of these actions were getting pinned on us, and everyone was stupid enough to believe it.

 

Looking down the line to my left, I could see that the other mercs were just as confused. But seeing no way out of this, I decided now was my last chance to say something. Stretching my left leg out, I bumped my foot against Spy’s leg to get his attention.

 

“Hey,” I started lamely, laughing and shaking my head at myself, “It kinda looks like we’re screwed. So… I had fun. I love you.”

 

He almost looked lost for words, rarely seeing this side of me and the sad smile that took its place on my lips. It was no secret that we weren’t the most affectionate couple, spending days the same way we would if not together and saving any attention for each other until out of sight of our team. But it was deeper than most saw, much deeper. We didn’t say ‘I love you’ all the time, because we didn’t need to, we knew it was a fact.

 

I have to admit though, after Gray Mann took over the company and we were laid off, we gradually became more affectionate throughout each day. _Funny how I’m only starting to realize this now_.

 

The look on Spy’s face was unreadable, but it looked like he was thinking of something to say as the mayor began rambling again, apologizing that only five mercs would be dying today, opposed to all ten. As he counted down, Spy parted his lips, “(Y/N)-“

 

“STOP!” looking down the line, I could see Scout struggling to balance on a pair of hands, “How could mercenaries have done _any_ of this? They don’t rezone! They don’t petition! Nearly half of them can’t read! These are things a _mayor_ does!”

 

 _Miss Pauling, thank God_.

 

“Lies! Hang her too!”

 

“That’s another thing! _Mayors can’t hang people_!” stepping out from underneath Scout, she walked to the mayor’s podium, “Everyone! I was just at… _the library_!” I couldn’t stop the smile from etching its way onto my face as everyone gasped at such a simple notion, followed by the mayor’s “No gasping!”. Pauling proceeded to pull out a thin piece of paper and showed it to the mayor, exclaiming that mayors can’t do a whole lot of things – including kill people. As the mayor talked to a hysterical blonde man with a fake Italian accent, Pyro came out of nowhere, climbed up onto the platform and untied Soldier. They both proceeded to help the rest of us by removing the nooses and unbinding our hands, though Soldier’s method of helping was to just laugh at Scout a little longer.

 

After pulling off my noose and restraints, Spy climbed down to the ground and held his hands out to me. I grinned at his actions, sitting down on the edge of the platform and placing my hands on his shoulders, his gripping my waist as he gently lifted me down.

 

“Did you really think we’d die today? You have little faith in our teammates, darling,” pulling me closer to his chest, his arms wound around me and my hands drifted to his back, “And I know it’s a bit late to say, but I _was_ taking you to France.”

 

I smiled softly thinking about it. _Me and Spy in France, I can only imagine_. Our moment was disrupted by the sound of the townsfolk gathering together and marching away, claiming that they were going to the library to learn about mayoring, Italy and… paedophiles?

 

“So…” Spy started, pulling away from me but leaving one arm around my back, “We _weren’t_ on trial for all the _property damage_ and _murders_ we’ve _actually_ committed.”

 

Miss Pauling sighed, “That mill you’ve been fighting over has been leaking chemicals into the groundwater for a generation. This is an entire town of lead-poisoned idiots. That’s why we give you guys bottled water.”

 

I nodded, agreeing with her. Until Soldier asked “Bottled what, now?” and I rolled my eyes, smiling.

 

“So… what now?” I asked, breaking the silence as we walked towards the car Miss Pauling and Pyro arrived in.

 

Pauling hummed as she thought, “Well, I figured that it would be best to send Soldier, Pyro and Scout to retrieve Heavy from Siberia. And while they do that, Spy, (Y/N), Demo and I will go to Australia to get Sniper. Medic’s whereabouts are currently unknown and Engineer is with the Administrator.”

 

Everyone in the group took in this new information and agreed that it was a solid plan. Splitting up into the two groups, Spy and I sat in the back of the car with Pauling at the wheel and Demo up front.

 

Placing an arm around me, Spy pulled me into his side and dipped his head down, “I love you too, mon chéri,” he gave my hip a light squeeze and placed a long kiss to my temple before I pressed my face into the crook of his neck, letting myself catch some well-deserved sleep before reaching the airport.


End file.
